Virginity's Preferable To The Pain

If I had been born a woman I would have opted for eternal virginity - not for fear of sex but for fear of the consequences of sex. When I think of the pain of bearing children and of giving birth, I cringe and I know that forgoing the numerous and varied pleasures of sex would have been preferable to the pain I imagine that women endure as a consequence of having sex - far more preferable.

Women, it seems, can also endure other inner pains (headaches, the flu', gall-stones etc.) with more grace and equanimity than men, who act as if their world's ending if they have the slightest headache or sniffle.

Yet some men enjoy being pummelled in the boxing ring and many continue with sport and other activities with broken bones, torn skin and battered bodies - something most women would consider impossible.

Women seem to bear pain from within while men bear pain from without and, in general, this is where we each live our lives - women in and men out.

Of course there are exceptions and overlaps, but women seem to listen to their inner world and have less trouble articulating their feelings while men listen more to the outer world, being able to read roadmaps and explain machinery better. Women tend to rely more on their feelings and hunches and their evidence often comes from inside - it just feels right. Their male counterparts, however, like their evidence to be outside of them and tangibility (can it be seen, heard, touched etc?) and physicality are the basis on which they make their judgements.

Ask a man what he's looking for in a partner and he'll probably list the desirable body, looks and interests (usually his) that she should have. Ask a woman the same question and her list will contain more emotions and inner qualities that she's looking for.

There are, of course, women in powerful positions (e.g. business and politics) who are more aggressive and less caring than most men and there are many men (often involved in the arts) who are more intuitive and nurturing than most women. Putting people in boxes (e.g. inner and outer ones) is not "real life" and we must always recognise that it is an exercise in simplifying a complicated and diverse world in order to better understand it. Putting people in inner and outer boxes certainly helps to explain why The Freedom To Be Me! and other personal development courses are largely attended by women. It is said that some people make their changes when they see the light while others wait till they feel the heat. Because women are usually aware of their inner urges, they are quicker to make necessary changes when change becomes inevitable. Men, on the other hand, generally need a more tangible and, usually, more painful reminder (like a heart attack, redundancy or divorce) to accept that changes must be made.

The inner world always calls first and more gently. If we heed that call we're often ahead of the pack and it can seem quite lonely at times, as many artists and revolutionaries have found. However, the inner urges are always less painful and they are seldom logical but, strangely, if these inner urges are heeded, they tend to take us to the most logical place, albeit on an illogical journey there.

The other world, the outer one, plays tricks, and appearances can be deceptive, as those who thought the world was flat, who thought that plants don't communicate with each other, and who thought the sun was hot, eventually found.

Marilyn Monroe was quoted as saying, "Beauty's only skin deep … so isn't that deep enough, Honey!" and this sentiment would be echoed by many people, men and women, today. That attitude probably explains why so many pay so much for labels and why cosmetics and cosmetic surgery are so much in demand. It probably also accounts for the great loneliness, the feeling of separation, that is felt behind those labels and cosmetic cover-ups - for men and women. New Zealand is a forerunner in this trend, having the highest rate of male suicide (especially among young men) in the world. As we strive to cover ourselves up (or pump ourselves up) with a singular type of beauty that our advertisers deem acceptable, we become separate from the unique and amazing beauty that we are and have.

As we take on the varied expectations of our parents, peers, teachers, advertisers and role models, we take on the outer form of these "pressure groups" around us, but what inner form do we take on? Twenty years ago models weighed 8% less than the average woman - today they are 28% lighter than the average woman. As our young girls try to emulate these paper-clip bodies, what happens inside them? One in every four university-aged women in USA has an eating disorder and a 1995 psychological study found that three minutes spent looking at a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and shameful - people continue to voluntarily pay these magazines to feel that way!

And, as we enter relationships, the outer appearances are what we focus on - dressing well; acting cool, happy and in control; holding our tongue when we disagree; pretending to like things we don't; bottling up our true feelings and dreams. Then, in a moment of crisis or inspiration our true self pops out and our partner/spouse exclaims, "But I never knew you felt this way" or "I never knew you felt so strongly about that" … and you've only been married for twenty four years! In that moment of exposing a more vulnerable and inner part, our relationship is enriched and we wonder why we didn't do it years ago … years of holding on, holding back, denying our deepest feelings and dreams (mainly for fear of ridicule … or the fear of failure if we try to realise them?) and when we let them out, it is what really connects us with others. When we start being real and open up, so do others and so do relationships and opportunities.

And yet, in the meantime, we skate across the outer surface of life trying to impress people with our looks, clothes, cars, houses, achievements and qualifications when what (some) people really want to know are how you feel and what you dream of. It's not until a relationship, health or work crisis that many people are confronted with their reality, their inner world, and though neither sex is immune from personal traumas, it is usually (though not always) women who deal with them quicker and more effectively, having the ability to "know" and heed the unknowable before it happens.

And, as a man, I know that I don't know what childbirth feels like and, if given the opportunity, I know I'll opt for virginity every time!